I don't miss him. Or what he had to offer me. At all.

So here's a little background in a nutshell. My last ex-boyfriend....he and I had developed a friends with benefits relationship. Something that we mutually decided on and wanted, and this worked out very well for us! I mean, it was basically like we were still in a relationship, but without a label, and no strings attached....but everyone knew we still messed around and respected that by not tryna get with us or whatever. So yea, this was the deal for the end of the school year and the summer, and even over this past thanksgiving break!

But somewhere along the way toward the beginning of this school year, he and one of his ex-girlfriends got back together. I didnt realize this...or rather, it wasnt FB official, until after the thanksgiving break hook-up. Aha, that sounds terrible. But okay yea, I see this on FB and I'm like oh....alright. I mean, I wouldn't expect him to tell me this anyway, but it caught me off guard. Like, I didnt even know him and the girl were still cool! They had been together quite a while ago...like 10th grade. Granted, it was serious back then, but ya know. Okay. So him and her got back together, I see this, I dont really care, because he's still texting me talking about our future sexcapades as if nothing changed.

I see him again over winter break, but due to conflicting and busy schedules, we dont hook up or anything. And let me just add this side note--me and this guy arent really the closest of friends. We only text each other when its about sex. And thats rare...as in like maybe 3 times out of a month. Okay, so anyway I get back to Howard and he texts me and we're talking about how next time we see each other (spring break) we need to make up for lost time, yadda yadda. I'm saying yeah, okay, but something inside me kinda was ehhhh about it.

So spring break comes along, and the first day there, Leah comes over! Leah is like my closest friend, btw. And this boy is one of her closest friends. And he somehow comes up. And we start talking about him. And she tells me how this nigga I speak about done went and got this girl's name tatted on his side. I cant even describe my reaction. You know like the record scratching sound that happens on tv when something unexpected happens? Yeah, that played in my head. I was like HOLD THE FUCK UP...what?!? &&Apparently it had been there for awhile. Once again, I understand that he wouldnt tell me something like that, but I was gonna find out eventually if we were supposed to hook up over the break, which was the plan!! I was so upset. For a few reasons. I guess the main reason is that somewhere deeeep in my heart I had an ounce of hope that MAYBE he and I could be together in the future. Like he'd have a change or heart or some shit. So that went out the window. And then that just made me mad that he would go and do something so dumb!! I dont give a fuck how much you love someone, thats like the biggest no-no. I wouldnt even get a spouses name tatted on me. The fuck?! So at that very moment in my head, I decided that I was done.

NEVER AM I THE SIDELINE HOE. Like it was the oddest realization. Because wholetime, I knew I was the sideline hoe! And I was okay with it! What the fuck?! I cant believe how much control he had over me. Im dumb as shit. So anyway, I texted him like halfway through the week and said that Im done with this FWB thing. And then I deleted his number. It was like a weight lifted. I felt so good.

And the other day he tweeted me. Which surprised me. Because he never does. Which partially may be because his girlfriend has a twitter. But yea, he mentioned me in a tweet....and it kinda made me smile. Maybe we will end up still being friends. But if not, thats okay too. I just needed to end that unhealthy relationship. It was too much for my life.

So Im happy. I feel much better. This is just the beginning of a series of life changes that will bring me more happiness :D Yay.

Me over spring break. Hah.

Day 1; current relationship status.

Ya girl is singleee! As much as I love being in relationships and having one special person all to myself, I realize that Im MUCH happier overall when Im single. I already have so much going on in my life on a daily basis, and relationships honestly just take up time and energy. Right now, my priority is maintaining my gpa and scholarship and I refuse to let any ol boy ruin that for me. Now dont get me wrong, I dont want to be alone forever! I just feel as if Im very young and I have plenty of time left to worry about finding the right one for me. Plus on top of all of this, I have commitment issues and I get bored very easily, so relationships never last too long for me, haha! But thats something Im working on and trying to improve upon :]

reflections.

This morning I just woke up thinking about the past year or two of my life and how much has gone on in that period of time....&&ALOT has gone on! The thing is, most of those things are not positive...I have a TON of regrets.

On everything, If I could I would go back to summer '09 and just start all over. I acted a damn fool that summer; Im talking bad relationship choices out the ass. Some of those choices came back to bite me in the ass too not too long ago, &&that shit rocked my world. I have a whole new mentality about certain things now. I dont wanna repeat of any of that shit. Never again. I refuseee to be that person around campus known as easy or whatever else. This is my opportunity to start over, &&thats what I plan to do. I just cant shake my past out of my mind though. How could I be so stupid, like seriously. Never just thinking about the possible consequences of my actions. The hell? I am sooo much  better than that. I seriously could have fucked my self over in the worst way. Shit, I almost did, real talk.

The reason I think Ive been thinking about it so much is that the HIV rate up here in dc is like 1 in 4, or 3% of all residents...no bullshit. THE FUCK!?! When I heard that, I was like, aww HELL YEA my ass is gonna be cellibate like a motherfucker. No sexing from sandi will be occuring, real talk, unless I get a long term, serious boyfriend and BEST BELIEVE we going to the clinic together to get tested. Like, shit is no joke. Thats scary as fuck. I looked up the rates for tennessee...that shit is high too!!! Its no joke. Most people my age only worry about stds or whatever, but young people get hiv too! So just go get tested!! Like, asap! You AND your partner. Because you really never know!

what is my type?

Okay, so the girl-boy ratio up here is like 8:1..in my class there are 2100 girls and 400 guys i believe? Anyways, that leads me to this--dudes here are SUPER THIRSTY. Like, if I was a dude, I wouldnt even be trippin, at least not this early in the game. We've been in school for only 3 full weeks, and dudes already trying to cuff girls and shit!

Which brings me to this...I never used to say 'cuff' back home...now I use that word atleast 20 times a day. Its like the #1 trending topic around hu probably lmao. My roomie ashley is the 'cuffmaster' because a new dude comes onto her everryyyyday, &&this trick be leading them on as if shes actually interested...hahaha. I love her. Her name in my phone is 'cuffcake'...she stay getting 'handcuffed' and she can neverrrr find her key :P. Haha, okay Im off her ass.

So back to what I was saying...its crazy how desperate dudes here are to get into relationships. One of the good friends Ive made up here who shall remain nameless is definately into me. He hasnt said it, but I know. Its sooo fucking obvious. Everyone knows. Thing is, 1-Im not trying to be in a relationship...whyyy would I want to be in one right now? The fuck!? Plus, I havent even met a noteable portion of the rest of my class...this aint no love at first sight type shit! 2-I like him as a friend and onlyyy a friend, &&could never see us together...just to be real, hes not my type!

So now Im asking myself...what is my type?! Physically, I know what I like..but thats only one aspect. There are plentyyy of dudes around campus that I consider eye candy...lets see, some things that catch my eye in a dude physically:

• You haveeee to be taller than me. none of this same height shit...I just dont dig that.
• Ive never really been a dark chocolate lover, but one of my new friends quickly changed my mind about that :P. Im honestly not too big on skin tone though....shit, give me a fine ass white boy! &&There is one here that I see allllll the time who is just...perfection. Good lord...
• Back home, we dont really have quite the abundance of dreadheads as we do here. I like a dude with dreads, as long as he keeps them up and looking nice....really with hair it doesnt matter either, as long as it fits you and is kept tidy :]
• Shoe game has to be on point...&&Im a sucker for a dude in some nike's but switch it up! I wanna see some chucks, sperrys, vans, toms...I like a dude with a wide variety of shoe styles, ya know?
• &&You have to know how to dress. Ive dated a dude who couldnt dress, &&that shit just pisses me off. Like, thats the first impression someone gets of you when yall meet...why go around looking like you shop at...the dollar tree, lmao, I couldnt think of an example. &&The thing is, even if you dont shop at all the high end stores and dont wear polo everyday, you can alllways make whatever you have work if you really took the time. But some dudes just dont care, &&its obvious they dont care. I hate that.
• &&Then other random stuff like physical strength, smile, hygiene [which is actually a HUGE deal for me], athletic ability, etc.

But what is it about a dude that attracts me to him on a level deeper than that? I still dont know. All I know is that I can tell when a dude isnt my type, as in this situation that Im currently in, but I just cant quite put my finger on what it is...crazy, huh?

love is in the air.

My cousin steve is pretty much like my brother. We have always been super close &&these past few years we've really bonded because he always vacations with us when we go, haha.

Then yall have heard me speak about my friend jewel who just graduated from howard. Ive known her for foreverrrr. Ive always looked up to her because she is such a leader &&is always on her shit.

Well back when those two were seniors in high school...so like 4 years ago...they started dating. They met through a competition they were both in at the time. When I found out they were going together I was superrr excited because I knew jewel was perrrfect for him. By the time they graduated, I was referring to her as my cousin in law because I just knew that they were going to stay together for a longggg time.

They both go off to college-jewel to dc, &&jr here in nashville. That first year being apart was really rough with them not being able to see each other but a few times during the school year...so sophomore year, they broke up &&started seeing other people. Even so, they still kept in touch and remained very good friends. &&Even when jr was going out on dates with other girls, he would tell me how much he missed jewel &&that he was gonna marry her one day. Im like, mhmm sure haha. But in the back of my mind I still had hope for them.

Last year, they stopped seeing other people &&started talking back serious again &&everything. It didnt surprise me, &&I was super happy about it. Jr would tell me time &&time again how he knew this was his wife &&didnt want no one else. Once agin, Id laugh it off, because they're still young and in school in stuff.

So about a week ago, jr tells me he's going to propose to her...soon. I was like whatttt? &&A few days later, he sends me a photo of a ring. So Im like, holy cow, he is serious. &&Some days later, we talked on the phone, &&he told me all his plans for how he was going to do so. Whats funny is that same morning when I went to lunch with jewel, she was saying how she thought her and jr were going to get engaged soon! I wanted to say something sooo bad, but obviously I kept quiet.

On friday, he proposed, &&obviously she said yes. I called them later on to congratulate them, &&I wanted to cry. Their relationship gives me hope for any of my future relationships honestly. If they can do it, anyone can...I mean talk about long distance!?! &&She's moving to cali next week! But I know without a shadow of a doubt they they will stay together, &&I look forward to the wedding :]

call me shallow, but...

I thought about this shit last night. On twitter, savannah had said something about how the single life is no fun and lonely and all this stuff. &&I was like....hells yeah! Thats another one of my problems, Im lonely! Of course Im surrounded by all my family and friends and whatnot, but like she also said, there is nothing like having that one special person who is all yours and exclusive for you to love. &&I was like hells yeah! again, lol.

Then I thought abt this. What if the day finally comes when I find the man who is PERFECT for me. He looks like trey songz or chris brown or kid cudi or tyga, he has hella swag, he can dress his fucking ass off, he's smart &&has a good ass job so he's ballin, he can sing, he's tatted...all that...

...&&he ends up having a small penis :/

AM I THE ONLY PERSON WORRIED ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS?!?!? hahahahaha! :P

broken.

Its funny how my heart works. Like I'll be completely over something, or atleast I think I am. Then out of nowhere, something triggers a memory of the past, and all those emotions that I thought were gone come flooding back strong as ever. I'm a mess. I just wanna go back and fix whatever it was I did wrong. Id give anything for that chance.

Fuck my life.

So something must be wrong with me, because this always happens. I ask, but I never get a legit answer. But apparently I'm just not a good companion. I'm gonna be single forever....or for a very long time, lol. But really, I'm miserable.

Fuck love.

...except not really.

can you feel a brand new day?

I AM SO EFFING HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

Everything is back to normal, &&I have so much to look forward to in the next few weeks!

• finishing up these exams and ap tests so I can finally breathe!
• getting my tat touched up, &&while I'm there getting my snug pierced and getting bonnie to help me get my bellybutton ring unstuck so I can finally change it &&put my new one in! me&&my sissy denise are getting matching ones! they say sisters forever :D 
• graduating! &&all the parties that come with it! by the way, ONLY 22 DAYS LEFT :D !!!
• starting my summer volunteer work at vandyyyy! ahhh, ive missed it soo much!
• the possibility of finally getting a real job...hopefully :]
• my dance recital! so bittersweet!
• just enjoying my summer overall!!!

I'm all smiles!

she's back!

Last night I went to bed with the biggest smile on my face. Why, you ask?

Because I realized that even though the fact that me and bb didnt work out hurt my heart real bad, I realized that it's not the end of the world. Not to say I dont care, though, because I do! I still hate it! But I'm okay with it, because he's still a great friend and I know he'll always be there for me if I need him :D :D :D

&&That means more to me than anything else in the world right now.

that's all folks!

Well, it's over.

Am I sad? Hell yea! This was something that I honestly thought would last and something that I cherished deeply. But we just werent as compatible as we thought, &&he wasnt happy. &&Even though it hurts me deeply to let this go, I guess it makes me feel a little bit better that at least he's happy, which is all I ever wanted him to be. With or without me!

But we're still friends, which is the most important thing in my opinion. Its bad enough losing my future husband, but losing one of my closest friends too? I would have dieeddd.

I spent alot of time crying last night. I'm gonna miss so many aspects of our relationship sooo much! Yall dont understand how happy he made me :]. I still have all these saved texts in my phone that I'm hesitant to delete. They remind me of good times that I dont ever want to forget! But I know I have to let go of them eventually and accept the fact that we are only friends.

You know what really pisses me off though? The fact that there are alot of bitches out there who are REJOICING about this shit. All the girls who never wanted me to see me with him in the first place, thought I didnt deserve him, thought I stole him from them, etc. FUCK YALL! Hah. I had to get that off of my chest. He's available now, so catch him if you can! If you do, I wont be mad at ya. I REFUSE to be the jealous ex girlfriend :]

Anyways, I have mucho amor for him. He'll always have a little part of me. He really did make my senior year worthwhile. Homecoming, Valentines day, Prom...all that. He's the bestest! I'm glad to have had him for myself, even if only for a little while :P

&&Of course, I'll always love him <333 He's the one that got away...my almost baby daddy :P lmao. But seriously.

So needless to say, I'm not looking for love anytime soon. I plan on enjoying this summer to the best of my ability, single bitchessss! I just need some time to myself to reevaluate and recoop and whatnot.

Thanks to all of my amazing friends who were there to listen to me mope!

ily bb :]

phases.

Lately I've been going through a ton a phases regarding this whole situation. First I was shocked, then confused, upset, mad as fuck, defeated, doubtful, but now I'm simply LONELY.

It's that "everyone in the world around me is happy as hell with thier relationships and just life in general, and here I am in the corner, jealous and sad as hell" phase. It's funny how when you're having the relationship problems, everyone around you seems happier than ever. I saw couples walking around together, hugged up, all that all day today...&&I just wonder "what do they talk about? do they argue ever? what keeps them both so happy all the time?". I envy those couples right now.

It really is bad though. I'm constantly checking my phone...no new texts, okay. I take rediculously long and unessesary routes to get to class just to try and pass him on purpose, hoping he'll say something to me. Doesn't work. The worst is at the end of the day when I'm at my locker. Everytime someone walks around that corner, I'm turning around looking and hoping to see him. Nahhh. How pittiful am I?

I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him.

I just got a chain txt saying someone was going to fall in love with me in the next 3 days. I can only wish. &&I just saw this fb group on my homepage: 'When I Push You Away.. Don't Leave.. Its Times Like That I Need You To Stay'. I joined it. Ugh.

I really am trying to stay positive though. I've kinda been moping around school the past few days. It does make me feel good, though, that people have been super concerned. &&I'm talking about people who arent even my closest friends. They'll come up to me in the hallway and ask if I'm alright, or come up to me in class simply to give me a hug because I look like I need one, as they say. I havent heard "cheer up" so many times in my life ever! I try, but it doesnt last long. How can I be happy when I'm missing my other half?

I need to get away :[

time.

WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF IT.

In a month, I will be graduating from high school. Two months of summer to enjoy with my family and friends, then off to D.C. I go.

&&Days like this piss me off. Because we are WASTING time. We should be cherishing every single moment we have together, in and out of school.

But instead what is happening? We are ignoring each other. Another day WASTED. A day that could have been amazing. But no. Just another day to add to the list of WASTED days. &&Who's to blame? Both of us really, not gonna lie. But I'm NOT feeling this shit anymore. I'M OVER IT.

I'm stressed out of my fucking mind because in about three months I'm moving 12 hours away from all the people I love, and the one relationship, besides those of my family and super close friends, that I want to hold on to most of all is falling apart right in front of my eyes. &&I read the little saved texts in my phone like WHERE THE HELL DID THIS GO? Oh yea, it went down the drain on prom weekend. One little night. Ruined. &&Now here we are...holding on by a thread. I'm simply awaiting the fate of this relationship, because honestly I dont know where it's going anymore. Because apparently I'm too pessimistic, too sensitive, and abide by the rules way too much. &&What can I do to make it better? NOT SHIT. So I'm stuck.

So why am I mad, you ask? BECAUSE I LOVE THIS BOY WITH ALL OF MY FUCKING HEART, that's why. But I have no idea what he's feeling at this point. &&That hurts. Because it's my fault apparently. &&I've been crying in my room for hours. &&That sucks, because it reminds me of my last relationship. WHICH SUCKED.

I just want him to hug me and kiss on me like he used to. I want to hear him say 'I love you' again.

What the fuck. I'm sad as hell.  :'[

how to be a good girlfriend.

1: Be real honest: Whereas self honest to you are helper, it is equally vital that you be honest to yourself and yes, in a grown-up relationship, honesty is the most excellent policy, as long as you are important other too is honest to himself and we all know it is pretty difficult to expect from anyone.







2: Have a optimistic attitude: If all you say about him is a censure or an attack, he will not look onward to seeing you remember people don't want you to be honest with their inadequacy's. It is a improved plan in mature relationships. Be unprompted, but be careful in your impulsiveness.Be happy.






3: Communicate regularly: Do not talk his ear off, he doesn't need your opinion, if he did he would read a book or something he respects. However, make positive that if you have any difficulty that will have an effect on your mood, he is made aware of the reasons for your problems. so that you do not come into view to just be a indecisive and bad-tempered creature. But if you have big problems, keep it to yourself, because then it may look like you are talking his ear off.






4: Build your desires, needs, and opinions: Still when they might disagreement with his. If they do, build certain that you should desist from talking too a great deal concerning them. You decision and needs definitely help you.






5: Be reliable: Such as being truthful first, then being diplomatic next. Such as having the desire to converse issues first, then shutting the torture up. If you want to be reliable, make sure it's well-matched with his/her desires. If you are reliably annoying, they won't have none of that.






6: Be patient: Please don't mechanically think he did not hear you when you said something. May be he was worried with not listening to you. Don't jump to end and don't be bitchy about being ignored all the time. Remember, they may be trying to be reliable with their egocentricism.

 

7: Take an interest in his interests: Take an interest in his disinterests too. He may be disinterested in what you like, so at smallest amount try to understand why he is not interested respect it like the relationship saving, selfless person you are.

because apparently i'm not doing well enough :[[[

someone help me. please!

just because.

Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?:

I do.

If so how long have the two of you been together?:
Officially since feb 26th :]

Have you ever let them see you cry?:
Yea :[

Have they ever hurt you?
Never that
Do you talk to them alot?:
Everyday


Do you think they care about you?:
I know he does
Have they ever hit you?:
Only love taps :]
Do they tell you they love you?:
Yes, very often
Have the two of you ever broke up?:
Nope
What color eyes do they have?:
Brown


Have the two of you ever danced?:
We have

Do the two of you have a song?:
No we dont. Yet, atleast. There are many that remind me of him though.
If yes , what song is it?:
I'm too lazy to type them all out cuz it's a few lol
What do you think is the best thing about your boyfriend or girlfriend?:
I could write a book. But really he is just the sweetest, most caring, funniest, most handsome dude ive ever met.
Have you ever kissed them?:
Duh :P
Be honest are they a good kisser?:
The best. Honestly.
Have you been thinking about breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend?:
Noooo :[[[
Does he or she know what your favorite color is?:
Not sure. Because it just changed.
How long do you want to be with your boyfriend or girlfriend?:
Forevaaa :D
When you are away from your boyfriend or girlfriend do you miss them?:
More than he'd ever know.
Do you think he or she is the ONE for you?:
I really, really do.
Have you told them you love them?:
Constantly


Did you mean it?:
Always <333
Are you sure?:
YES! Geeze lol
How old is your Boyfriend or Girlfriend?:
18


When is their b-day?:
My little halloween baby
Do you miss them right now?:
Of course I do. I always do.

I love you Brandon <333

:]

sex so great she gainin weight.

I remember once my mama told me that when you're in love you gain weight. So I looked it up on Cosmo's website to read why. You should read it! I'm too lazy to write it out on here :P

One may ask, 'how is this relevant to you, sandi?'. Well, because I'm gaining weight! Quite rapidly! &&I blame this love bug that bit me when BB came along! He blames something else...which I must say I agree with also ;] hahaha.

Man. Have I mentioned how much I love that boy?

ANYWAYS, I can't fit hardly any of my jeans anymore, which makes me even more anxious for spring! Straight dresses and skirts! I bought a few down in ATL and hopefully I can find some more for some good prices later this week. I need to save as much money as possible! Sooo much is coming up that I need to pay for :/

is this the way love feels?

Thank you, God, for sending me this boy. Everything about him is perfect to me. The joy I experience when I'm with him is indescribable. I seriously consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. Eight years ago if someone had told me that Brandon and I would end up together like this, I would have laughed in thier face. Never saw it happening. Always wanted it to! &&Now that it has become a reality, I just keep on thinking that maybe it's a dream;simply too good to be true. Then I realize that this is real, and the feelings that sweep over me are incredible. I can't help but smile when I see him. I find myself staring at him...just admiring how freaking sexy he is :P. I cannot get enough of his love. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up;as a matter of fact he stays on my mind all the time. Days that I don't see him are slick miserable for me. I have never felt such a deep connection with a person on so many levels. I fall more in love with him everyday because I am constantly finding new reasons to do so. He gives the best hugs and kisses in this world. He's bringing out a side of me that I didn't know existed. &&I'm loving it. We're determined to make this work...no matter the distance. That's my baby. Husband. Baby daddy. My heart. I love him.

the mrs.

Ok Brandon said I was gonna do a post about this, and I told him that just because he said something that I wasn't gonna do one...

But I can't keep quiet. So babe if you read this you can go ahead and say "I told you so" or whatever, but I don't care!!

It's official. WE are official.

I can't contain myself.

Nothing has really changed...I just feel more..complete now. So it's a great feeling. Like an amaaazing feeling. &&What makes it even better was that it was unexpected;;something I was wondering about and questioned whether or not it would happen...not that my feelings would have changed if they hadnt...I mean its just a title right? Well thats what I though, until now. Idk...it just makes everything ten times better. In my mind, atleast :]

All or nothing?? I'll take it all :]

golden.

Take me back in the day when loving was pure.

Love ain't going away, love is always secure.

Life's not always perfect but love's always forever.

Lets let true love connect lets try lasting together.

I apologize if these love posts are annoying yall...I just can't help it! He stays on my mind...alll...dayy...longg. Not even kidding.

:D

Last night I went to BB's house for game night! &&Had sooo much fun...even though we didn't play many games, lol. The quality time with him toward the end...which in this case was like 1 in the morning...is what I cherished and enjoyed most :]

silly little valentine.

So this Valentine's Day was the first official one that I've ever spent with my significant other. I've never had a boyfriend come V-day in the past, and if my last serious boyfriend did something for me on Valentine's Day, then obviously it wasn't special enough for me to remember because I don't recall doing anything, lmao. So, this was the first time, in my mind :]

I won't...and can't...necessarily go into too many details about everything that went down, but I can say that I smiled the entire night and I'm still on this "love high" as we speak.

I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the man that I do. I know this for a fact.

I am legit in love. &&I have no idea what to do with myself.